You will be determined to have more energy than you do. You will convince yourself that you are thinking straight, are able to handle all of this and do not need anyone. You will run out fuel. Your body will change first and your mind will follow. You won’t lose your mind, memories or sensibility. It will all come back. But, you will be different. You will never have the same sense of self. You should embrace this. Your old self was probably really great. Your transformed self will be even better. Give into what is happening and trust it.
Me) Ha. Yes, this was me. I had a whole plan based on my naive ego and ignorance about how I was going to handle things. I’ve done well in most areas, but some shit went right out the goddamned window immediately.
I do mourn my old self already, but am determined to make sure the best is yet to come. I want to use this experience to help others as much as possible.
My original plan to shoot my way through this didn’t work out so well. Turns out my aim isn’t THAT good.
You are going to feel fear. Even if you are normally stubborn, confident and seemingly invincible you will finally find yourself admitting that you are scared of something. Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknowing will eat at you worse than the disease itself. You’ll need distractions. Music and sleep will probably be the ones you resort to most. Reading will become difficult. So will watching TV or movies, having conversations, writing and basically everything else. They call it “chemo brain” for a reason. You will feel normal eventually. Just a new kind of normal. When you feel afraid let yourself lean on those around you. Cry. Be vulnerable. You are vulnerable. There will be time for strength, but never admitting weakness will cause anxiety to mount and your condition to worsen. Let it all out. Yell if you need to. Sing when you feel up to it. Sob uncontrollably. Apologize for your mood swings. Treatments and prescriptions will often be the cause of them. The people that love you will understand.
Me) I did accept my own death early in December. And, for about 45 seconds I was completely fine with it and not scared. About a minute in I said ‘Fuck that, I’ve got shit to do.’ Since then I’ve never thought I would die, and it really doesn’t enter my mind in any serious capacity for long. I realize I CAN die, but don’t see it. And if it happens, I’ll be pissed. And if it happens and you happen to owe me money, throw the $20 or whatever in the casket with me. I don’t know if Heaven takes credit.
Cash is king.
The people that love you will be just as scared as you are. Probably more. They will be worrying even when they are smiling. They will assume you are in more pain than you are. They will be thinking about you dying and preparing for life without you. They will go through a process that you will never understand just like they will never understand the process you are going through. Let them process. Forgive them when they don’t understand. Exercise patience when you can. Know that those that were built for this will be there when you get to the other side and you will all be able to laugh together again. You’ll cry together too. Then you’ll get to a place where you will just live in the world again together and that is when you know that you have beaten this.
Me) My wife has gotten me through each day, and has slapped my ass back to reality when I’ve gone off course. I only wish anyone going through something like has a support foundation like I do in my wife. I should be so lucky.
Kickin ‘ ass and takin’ names for 13 years.
The sooner you recognize that you are mortal, the sooner you can create the mentality for survival. There is a chance you might not make it. Just like there is a chance that you will. Don’t look at statistics. You are unique and what is happening inside you is unique. Your fight is yours alone and there are too many factors to compare yourself to others that have had your condition. No one will want you to think about death, but you won’t have a choice. You will think about it from the moment you are given your diagnosis. Come to terms with it. Calmly accept it. Then, shift every thought you have into believing that you won’t die. You are going to beat this. Your mental focus on that fact will be more powerful than any treatment you receive.
Me) Like I said above, I’ve accepted my own death early on. Then I accepted I won’t be dying from this. No sir, my ass is going down in a blaze of glory while fighting ninjas while saving an orphanage or something like that. I refuse to go down like this.
I’m not a religious man, but I can see how an experience like this will make one question EVERYTHING.
Click on this image. Take a good, long look. That. That is how I’m going out.
Your doctors and nurses will become your source of comfort. You will feel safe with them. If you do not feel safe with them you need to change your care provider immediately. There is no time to waste. This shouldn’t be a game played on anyone’s terms but yours. When you find the right caretakers you will know immediately. Do not let insurance, money or red tape prevent you from getting the treatment you deserve. This is your only shot. There is always a way. Find those hands that you trust your life in and willingly give it to them. They will quickly bring you a sense of calm. They will spend time answering your questions. There will be no stupid questions to them. They won’t do anything besides make you feel like you are the most important life that exists. They will never make you feel like they don’t have things in control. They will be honest and accessible at all times. They might even become your friends. You might celebrate with them over drinks months or years after they have cured you. They deserve your gratitude, respect and appreciation daily. If you get upset at them during treatment know that they’ll forgive you. They get that you’re going through something they can’t imagine- but they understand better than anyone. They see it every day and they choose to be there because they want to make the worst experience of your life more tolerable.
Me) Right on. I really like my doctor, and my nurse, Grant, at the cancer center. I hope to not die long enough to take them out to lunch when this is all done. Thankfully everyone I’ve dealt with at every level at Mary Bird Perkins Cancer Center AND at Lakeview Hospital has been BEYOND awesome to deal with.
Any doctor who will stop mid-appointment to arm wrestle you to feed your frail ego is a keeper.
You will need to find balance after treatment. Start by seeking balance during treatment. Eat well. Sleep well. Listen to your body. Explore meditation. Experiment with new forms of exercise that aren’t so demanding. Embrace massage and other body therapies. Go to therapy. A therapist will be able to guide you through your journey in ways you could never fathom. Do not be too proud to speak to someone. You cannot afford to store up the intensity of the emotion that comes with fighting a life-threatening illness. Let it out for yourself. You will begin to hear your voice changing. That voice is who you are becoming in the face of mortality. Listen to that voice. It will be the purest, most authentic version of you that you have ever known. Bring that person into the world — strengths and vulnerabilities and everything between. Be that person forever.
Me) Yeah, this is of mild concern to me. I want to find some way to branch out afterwards and see what I can do for others. I’m gonna ask Big Scott Schwartz if he has any recommendations in this department, as he has a good 15+ years experience in helping others with cancer, myself included. His reaching out has been beyond helpful, and needs to emulated.
You will inspire others. It will feel weird. People you haven’t spoken to since grade school will be in touch. Ex-girlfriends, former colleagues… even people you felt never wanted to talk to you again. The influx of interest in your seemingly fading life will be greater than any living moment you have ever experienced. That support is what will shift a fading life into a surviving one. Be grateful for every message. Be appreciative of each gift and each visit. There will be moments where all of this attention will make you feel lonelier than you have ever felt in your life. In a hospital room full of people with messages stuffing your inbox, voicemail and mailbox you will find yourself feeling completely alone. This is when you will realize that you could afford to have a stronger relationship with yourself. That only you walk this earth with 100% investment in you. Make the investment and use this as an opportunity to reexamine your self-worth. Love yourself more than ever and recognize how much love there is for you in the world. Then start sharing that love. You will come to see that even when you are the neediest person you know you can still be giving. Giving will make you feel better than taking.
Me) This has already happened. People from my entire life that I’ve stayed in contact with have all reached out to me. People I thought barely remembered me, or never gave me a second thought have all been reading my blog, and the texts, voicemails, emails, and IMs have all been BEYOND awesome. Something as simple as ‘Hey, I’m thinking of you,’ it all adds up and forces you to be positive. That message day after day, person after person? It’s insane positive energy. And SO necessary.
I have some solid friends. Please don’t ask why I’m wearing a fake moustache or what I’m doing back there.
When you get to the other side you won’t believe it. They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You’ll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You’re going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You’ll be more productive. You’ll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You’ll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You’ll want to let go of those that don’t “get” who you are now. You’ll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you’ll move on. You don’t have time to waste. The greatest gift you’ve been given is that you now understand that and you’re going to make the most of every second. You’re going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again.
Me) This is also of concern to me. When chemo ends, I’ll essentially be living my life month to month while I await constant test results. Then, when I get them, I’m sure I’ll never completely trust them to be accurate. Already any mystery thing that I feel I assume is cancer. IF I do end up dying from this, which I don’t expect to, I’m OK with that. I just need a few more years to do a few more things and get my kids off to a decent start and do what I must to make sure my wife and kids are set up for success without me. Again, I don’t expect that but it is something I am actively preparing for -just in case.
Life without THIS fucking guy? Not an option. Sorry.
Jeff Tomczek is a freelance writer and the founder of C2Bseen, offering consulting services to niche brands and entrepreneurs.